I thought I could just move on from this. People die all the time. Being in this k-pop life for so long (I’ve been in this since 2011) I’ve been through this before. K-pop idols I’d admired or actors I had just seen in a drama have passed away and while it had saddened me, it never affected me like this.

Like Jonghyun.

 

I can still remember the exact moment I found out. I had just started writing an article about Taeyang’s engagement and I was super happy that my tiny-fingered singer was going into the next stage of his life.  Even though it was only 5 am, I messaged my friend about the news right away. One of my jobs is as ESL tutor and I work on Beijing time. She didn’t answer (obviously) but it was expected, I was happy and on my way to work I went. Halfway through my first class, my eyes wandered down to Facebook and I saw someone asking about Jonghyun. First thing I thought was, doesn’t she mean Taeyang? As I corrected grammar and asking my student to repeat the passage again, I quickly scrolled through the replies and comments to see what was going on. And I saw it.

 

Jonghyun reportedly attempted suicide. No word on whether or not he survived.

I don’t know how I finished my class.

During the three minutes between classes, I called my friend to tell her. I could barely get the words out. How could something like this happen? Maybe a mistake? I know people create click-bait articles all the time so while this was a HORRIBLE thing to put out there, I had a glimmer of hope that it was all just an ugly mistake.

You all know the rest of it.

Its been weeks now and I’m still in the shocked phase of it. Mostly because of Jonghyun’s letter. Mostly because of the damn doctor. Jonghyun tried to get help and was basically turned away due to the doctor telling him that it’s his “personality”. Bollacks.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who often thinks, I wish I could have helped him.

While creating my In Memoriam video, I realized that there were other people who passed away in 2017 and I knew little

 

about them. The comedian, Choi Seo In, shoot I couldn’t even find more than 2 or 3 photos of her. I felt really bad about that.

Kim Joo Hyuk passed away in a car accident though we still don’t know why he ended up crashing his car. It wasn’t alcohol or drugs. I don’t believe it was a heart attack. Again, I feel bad.

The actresses that passed away, I am sad to say that I knew very little about them.

There really isn’t a particular point to this article. Perhaps for closure.

*sigh*

I guess I wanted to just do a final goodbye and hope that in 2018, I won’t have to write another post like this.